I adore books. I am endlessly facinated by the way that words can transport you out of the real world and into a place which has a vibrancy and a colour which can take your breath away. Lending a book to a friend is an act of love for me - but maybe I am foolish and old fashioned.

I also dabble at writing - not so much because I think I can, but because I aspire to being able to being able to paint a picture in other people's heads which has the capacity to move them - maybe to tears or laughter, or an understanding of something they thought they had lost. Sometimes I have also used writing as a way of trying to make sense of what is going on in my own head. Unless otherwise attributed, the musings below are mine.

Musings on Life and Fate

Fate
Personally I think fate sucks. It was fate that got me into this in the first place – how can I put my future in its hands? Sometimes I look at my life, and I remember my plans. The little things have all come true, I worked hard when I was younger, I have my own house, my own teeth, and a wide circle of friends, all of whom think I am slightly eccentric (or is it that I have all my own friends and a wide circle of eccentric teeth? ). I have travelled and seen some of the beauty and pain of the world, the towering majesty of the Norwegian fjords, the exuberant colours and poverty of India, the tranquility of Japan. Sure, the small things, the things under my control, have all gone pretty much to plan. It is when I look at the large events, the things that fate decides, that I see only chaos. The broad strokes on the canvas of my life seem to have been executed by someone unfamiliar with a brush. My life is a painting started by one of those ‘animals which do the wackiest things’ which you sometimes see on ITV when you are channel hopping. I can try to paint in some details over the top, but I am kidding myself if I think it’s ever going to hang in the national gallery. It’s more the sort of stuff you hide away in the downstairs loo. If I can give you one piece of advice, it is to never leave things to fate – fate is rubbish at organising your life, but very good at doing the exact opposite of what you thought.

Haiku

I came across Haiku poetry some time ago. The simplicity and terseness of the form hide great complexity.

The whole moon and the entire sky,
Are reflected in one dewdrop on the grass.

Dogen Zenji (1200-1253).

March 2011

I think of you with each new sun

Monday 21st December 2009

Festive 2'x4'
I was out in Leeds on Saturday doing some first minute Christmas shopping, minding my own business when this big jolly looking guy with a white bead and a red suit crept up behind me, took a big swing, and hit me really hard on the back of the head with a length of festively decorated 2 by 4. Bought tears to my eyes I can tell you.
If anyone sees him, give him a kick in the shins from me

Monday 22nd June 2009

Chipped Kittens
I am taking the kittens to be chipped next Monday. This is not, as you might expect, to get them cut into long thin strips, fry them at 130C for 5 minutes, set aside to rest for a while then a quick dunk into the fat again at 190C to crispen up. No, they are being computer chipped, so that if they get lost they can be electronically interrogated and returned safe and sound to my evil lair home. I may also get a small hard drive fitted to one, so that I can keep my diary on it, and I could make it bluetooth compatible.

The wonders of the 21st Century! But if you tell that to kids these days they don't believe you.

Friday 19th June 2009

Lost Opportunities
I have lost an opportunity. I have looked in all the usual places - down the back of the sofa, in the kitchen cupboard, under the stairs. It's not there. I know what it looks like, the shape and touch, and the way its scent fills the recesses of my mind. But it's gone - out of reach, as insubstantial as a dream.

However I did find a packet of fizzy cola bottles from 2002 so it's not all bad.

Wednesday 17th June 2009

Relationship Status - Widowed
One of my friends pointed out that Facebook does not have 'Widowed' as a possible relationship status. I am Widowed. To say otherwise would be to try to deny the fact that my wife, whom I love still beyond all measure, died. It would be like denying the fact that she was ever here, yet she was and is one of the biggest facts in my life. I don't want to deny that, she is part of me and always will be.

On the other hand, I am definately single. In the eyes of the church and the state, my marriage ceased to exist when Jan died, 'til death us do part'. And in my eyes as well, after 18 months, I have found a hope for the future, hope that there is so much of life yet to experience. With that I have also gained an ability to smile at my memories.br>
'Widowed' speaks of what has happened, which I cannot and will never forget, 'Single' speaks of the future which I want and need to embrace. I am therefore both Widowed and Single. I am proud of being both. Proud of having been Jan's husband and proud to have survived. It's what makes me who I am.

2012 Update! I really don't like facebook - I like real relationships with real people who don't laugh in three letter acronyms

Tuesday 16th June 2009

Mojitos - a soliloquy
Stay off the Mojitos, take my advice,
That 'so tempting' mix of Bacardi and ice,
Stay off the Mojitos, or very surely,
You'll wake up next morning, feeling quite poorly.

Stay off the Mojitos! do take this hint,
That splendid transfusion of rum and of mint,
Stay off the Mojitos, they're not very clever,
You'll rue the next day, and be under the weather.

Stay off the Mojitos, take my advice,
Although as the sun goes down,
They are very nice,
As you sit in the garden...

I think I'll just have one more...

Tuesday 16th June 2009

Work Life Balance
I got one of those 'work life balances' the other day.
If it is one thing that going through a major life event is supposed to teach you, it is the value of a work life balance. People say, 'how nice it would be to have a good work life balance', and now I have one.

I got mine from Comet, I found it between the washing machines and the vaccum cleaners. They only had one left, but it was a good one, so I took it, and now I wouldn't be without it.

I used to use the kitchen scales, but that never really worked, and I tended to get flour all over the 'life' side of the equation.

Take my advice, don't wait for a major life event to get a good work life balance. If you have one, but it is broken, get a new one. Like all true and good things, they are hard to find, but it is worth the search. Take the time to watch your children grow, take the time to sit in the garden with a glass of wine & watch the stars come out with your loved one.
Enjoy your life, your love and your friends. Possessions are not that important.

p.s. all I need now are some batteries for it

Tuesday 16th June 2009

Today ( a poem )
Today it seems my heart is leaden,
Though the sun's high in the sky,
Mem'ries of the past unbidden,
In the space behind my eyes.

...or maybe it is just a touch of hayfever :)

Monday 15th June 2009

Fathers Day
On the table in my guest bedroom is a picture of me and my parents at my graduation. The bloke on the left seems old enough to be my father. And he is roughly the same age as I am now.

If I have one sadness in life, it is that I have no children. No one to make me listen to the smurfs on constant loop, no one to wake me up at 7 in the morning when I have a hangover, no one to put me in a dank old peoples home when I loose my marbles.

No one to play in the park with, no one to give my life and my hopes to, no one to protect.

Jan and I wanted kids, but the experts agreed that the risk to Jan would have been too high. So Jan pretended that we didn't really want kids after all. And I pretended to agree with her.

Fathers day is bitter-sweet for many widows. It is when they remember their husband, and the love he gave to their children. The love they now give doubly and without reserve. For this widower at least, it is also painful, but for a different reason. I would not change a single choice I have made in my life - my time with Jan was a treasure beyond all reckoning, yet a scintilla of sadness remains.
To all you fathers, and prospective fathers out there, maybe Fathers Day should not be a day when fathers are appreciated, but when Fathers themselves appreciate the very great gift they have been given.

Update! 2011 Strange how things change - I am now a dad, sadness is banished. Now where did I put those earplugs?

Friday 12th June 2009

'Sean' the sequel
Up to the early 2000s I was pretty much a fully formed adult, I knew who I was, where I was going and what I wanted to do. But then Jan died, and I died as well.

On the upside, I was immediately reincarnated - great!
On the downside, I got back the old body, the old mortgage, and the tap in the bathroom still dripped :-(

Since then, all the pain I have gone through is just the pain of being reborn. I had to learn all over again how to do things in this new life I have been given. Like a child, I didn't know the best way to do anything, and I made many mistakes, some of which were very painful ( I had a friend who grabbed the pretty, glittery orange bar of an electric fire when a child, with predictable results ); but it is only by trying things that I can learn how to be this bright, shiny, new person ( will try to stay away from electric fires though! )

p.s. In the above analogy I have now reached the dizzzy age of about 23 ( insert joke about the mental age of men here )

Friday 12th June 2009

Trials
There is a view common to many religions that to get closer to God, or closer to enlightentment ( possibly the same thing ) that you must undergo trials. From Moses wandering in the desert for 40 years ( insert joke about men not wanting to ask directions here ) to Muslims enduring pain or loss so as to submit to the the will of Allah.

Hindus believe that the soul passes through a number of reincarnations (samsara), and that the suffering you have in this life is part of the lessons you have to learn to move towards transcendence. If that is true, the cycles of your life would be like a session on the wii ( keep with me here :-) The more you play ( the more lives you get through ), the better you get, and the more difficult the trials become. The severity of trials you face in this life would be an indication of how much you had learned in past lives. The greater the trails, the more beautiful the soul.

Jan faced many trials in her life with an unflinching stoicism, humility and humour that in many people would be called courage. If anyone deserves to be closer to enlightenment, she does.

p.s. I never got past the rotating blades on level 2

Tuesday 09th June 2009

Celery - Food of the devil
When the Bible was translated into Greek in the 4rd century AD a number of translation errors occured after the monks also discovered an early recipy for Pina Colladas amongst the Dead Sea Scrolls (This last fact is disputed by the Greek Church ).

One significant error was in the translation of the story of Adam and Eve. In the Greek translation the serpent tempts Eve to eat from the Tree of knowledge and Adam & Eve are banned from paradise- this is now known to be a mistake. The word for Serpent in Hebrew is Celeprant, and the word for Celery is Celepant - so what actually happened was that the Garden of Eden was full of Celery, & poor Eve was faced with the choice of eating Celery or those tasty apples. All this time men have blamed women, 'not doing as they are told' (:-) for all the hardships in this world - when actually Eve is now shown to have made the only possible choice. We men should stop blaming women for not being in paradise, and not complain when they buy too many shoes in compensation.

Celery is truely the food of the devil - for twas he who forced Eve's hand. Early cave paintings in Austrailia show pictures of animals such as kangaroos and koalas being beaten with sticks of celery and then being sacrificed on satanic alters in the most gruesome way possible ( yes...it involves more celery ). Even to this day there are secret societies dedicated to the evil weed - they have influence at the highest levels ( for example, members sit on the boards of Sainsubury's and Tesco - why else do you think Celery is openly on sale in these places? ).

We must not fear, join me in the fight. Do not give into temptation, do not go alone into that dark night. Throw out all celery in your house and shout - 'I RENOUNCE YOU SATAN' ( give your neighbours good notice of this or they will call the police )

Besides it's not even a vegetable - it's some sort of land fill material I think.

Monday 08th June 2009

Death and Life
My wife, Jan, died about 18 months ago and left me utterly bereft, utterly lost, and some spag bol in the deep freeze.

She was, and I suspect will always be, the most worthwhile human being I have ever met.

She taught me so much - naturally being a man I have forgotten most of the lessons, and may also have used some of the lessons to light the barbeque when I ran out of firelighters - but I want to write and tell you all I can remember. About all I have lost, and all I have gained.

I will use this Facebook page to post a series of articles. I have made them open to all of you. Maybe no one will read them, but that won't matter. What matters is what is in my heart.

I am not alone - I know many others have lost someone so dear to them - this is not just my story. This is not just about Jan. This is about everything.

p.s. the spag bol is still in the deep freeze somewhere.... is that wrong? Will it still be ok?

Monday 08th June 2009

Everything ( a poem - January 2007 )
The absolute silence of a house once full of spirit,
Knowing that the person you loved the most, and tried to protect
has suffered the greatest harm,
Knowing that there is nothing you can do about it,
The aching vacuum that comes with the loss of a shared love, a shared life, a shared destiny.

The unbearable pain of seeing too much.

The agony and joy of learning to live and love again,
The memory of a life well lived,
The memory of the most courageous person I have ever known,
The memory of Jan,
That is why I am writing this.